Peer Review 13B

For this peer review, I focused on Ben Barnett's edit as described in his 13th editorial report (link). There is no title yet to his project, because it is not a final draft, but the blog itself was titles Editorial Report 13. I focused on content in this review.

• I thought Ben did a great job of explaining a fairly difficult topic--the energy release in nuclear reactors--using layman's terms. Since his audience likely includes peers like us, who are for the most poart unfamiliar with the nuclear energy business, it was very important to find a way to avoid jargon. I was very impressed with this and it made me realize how important it is it to take the time and explain your topic in simple terms that are readily understood.

• If I have any critique, it's that Ben's cut is a bit difficult to put into context. This may become much clearer when I can read the entire essay, but it's unclear to what extent the energy release in a nuclear reactor really proves that certain terrorist cells can or can't create weapons-grade nuclear warfare. It would be nice to see more evidence focused on this aspect of the content. 

Peer Review 13A

• I don't have a lot of time left since I also need to complete my project by tonight! However, I went ahead and did a peer review of Alec Eulano's QRG titled 'An unpopular opinion protecting unpopular opinions'. A link to the actual essay in hyperlinked above! In my review, I focus on the form of the guide, and whether it matches the conventions of a QRG.

• I particularly liked the layout. Right away, there were photos showing a vocal battle between two groups of protestors. The image gave a sense of the topic (about protection of speech in contreversial issues) and also made it clear that this wasn't simply a standard college essay. There were several images throughout the QRG, as well as some blown-up quotes. 

 

• However, since a QRG often references statistics, it would have been nice to see a graphical representation or some tabulated data that is referred to in the actual project. Overall, I really enjoyed reading the QRG, and I admired the way it included a lot of images to back up the written content. It made me realize that my lriginal QRG lacked some of those graphical interfaces that keep the reader's attention.

Reflection on the Local Revision Process

So, it is finally time to submit Project 3 and move on with our lives. However, before we call it quits, I wanted to quickly go over what went well and what didn't with the editing process this week:

• As for successes, I was very proud of how quickly I managed to catch up with everyone else. I had fallen a bit behind on blog posts a couple weeks ago. In the past two weeks I have completed my blogs and managed to write an entire standard college essay after completing my research.

• There were certainly some challenges. All the catch-up work that i had to left me feeling a bit pressed for time. It made the blog posts less than enjoyable to write, because it felt more like a content requirement than something that I could truly utilize. This leads me to my next point:

• I hope to come away from this with a better sense of time management. This project was less enjoyable for me than previous ones because it required everything except for the final draft to be viewed as busywork. I'm mostly just writing to be done.

• I am very pleased with my final output. I think my essay needles down to a very particular message which I struggled to intiailly find. I'm very pleased with how things turned out.

Editorial Report 13b

In this editorial report, I am including some of my old content and comparing it to what I have in my upcoming draft. There have been some signficant changes made since last week, so it is a pretty robust update:

The Rough Cut
This essay will be about the college-readiness of high schoolers, with a specific focus on preparedness for science courses. There are many who claim that high schoolers are unprepared for the challenges of college and therefore advise that high schools be fundamentally altered: either by incorporating a common core curriculum into schools, or by allowing parents to freely switch public schools via the creation of a charter system, etc. In this essay, I argue that such moves actually harm students more than they help them. 

The Revised Version
 

There’s a popular myth floating around that high schoolers arrive at traditional four-year colleges unprepared. Strong evidence appears to support the claim: in 2010, 29% of four-year college freshmen enrolled in a remedial course1. Among all college attendees, only 56% graduate within six years. An overwhelming majority of these students arrive with high school GPAs over 3.0, and 95% do nearly all the work required by their high school. In sum, these statistics paint a picture of mediocre high schools funneling students through their system, providing meager academic support, and setting their students up for failure. Data like these are often used to present the crumbling state of our public schools and to suggest that a major overhaul of our high school system is required. One major overhaul typically mentioned involves increasing the number of charter schools available in a community. In this paper, I argue that the underpreparedness of high-schoolers is exaggerated and used as a propaganda tool by conservative libertarians. By insisting that high schoolers are unprepared for college, they advance their agenda of closing public schools in exchange for charter schools that exclusively target these college-bound high schoolers and ignore low and average-achieving students. 

• The major changes here have been both in content. I restructured the introduction (and the entire essay) to focus more on what motives people have when they claim that high schools require restructuring. Thus, I no longer suggest that a solution is bad, but rather than a solution is coming from ulterior motives. 

Editorial Report 13a

In this blog post, I give an example of some revisions I made to the raw content I previously had. Since I did not complete blog posts last week, I don't have particuarly raw content that I can refer to. Instead, I will describe the raw content I had a few days ago and then show a revised copy below it.

The Raw Content
The paragraph I show below refers to my personal experiences TAing chemistry students and their relative preparedness for college material. Although they come from diverse backgrounds in terms of chemical knowledge, a large majority of them have the toolkits necessary to learn. Some spend more time on chemistry and thereby succeed, whereas others don't care as much. However, very few of them are incapable of understanding chemistry if they sit down and make an effort.

The Final Cut
As both a student and chemistry teaching assistant at the University of Arizona, I have seen the effects of this trend in action. When my class starts their introductory course, their foundation in chemistry varies widely. Some students have never taken a chemistry course before, whereas others have completed an entire Advanced Placement curriculum. In the first lab report, those with the strongest background tend to do best, and those with little experience in chemistry fare poorly. By the end of the semester, background knowledge in chemistry is a terrible predictor of success in the lab. What this suggests is that different high schools may have different curriculums, but they graduate students who can think and learn. College freshmen have the toolkits to study, learn material, and think about science in ways they haven’t done before. These toolkits are far more important than the random knowledge they did or did not collect while in high school. The ability of students to overcome a deficit in chemistry and ultimately do well in a tough college course demonstrates that many of them are arriving with these toolkits already intact.  

• As you can see, my paragraph became far more developed. Earlier, my intended audience was almost more directled at myself and what I planned to do with the paragraph. By this point, I have adjusted my audience to more directly represent peers, Sean, and others who may read this at large. 

Reflections on the Editing Week for Project 3

I'm feeling pretty good about getting several blog posts done, and this is certainly an imporveoment over last week where I got a zero on several assignments. However, I still have quite a ways to go to finish a solid draft of my essay, and several other students already have a completed draft uploaded to their blogs. With that in mind, I'll go over the week in a bit more detail:

• As for successes, I found that completing the blog posts was a pretty big task. They take a while to write and I don't really enjoy them--I find them a bit irrelevant for the final product. However, completing them is a huge factor for my grade so I am glad they got done.

• I was also presenetd with some challanges this week. Namely, it was difficult to complete editorial reports considering I had relatively little of my essay complete. However, I feel confident that this Sunday and upcoming week I will be completing a solid rough draft that will allow me to focus on revisions over the weekend. 

• For me, next week is crunch time. There isn't much time to get the essay done, and I would like to accumulate a couple more sources before I really dig into the rough draft. Thus, this week will entail doing a bit more research and completing a solid draft. Then, this weekend, I will revise and complete the project for final submission the following Sunday.

• At this point, I'm a bit nervous but mostly feeling like I want to get moving. I know that completing blog posts next week plus moving forward in the project will require a lot of work. I also have multiple final exams for labs, and additional lab reports and a must-pass Hebrew proficiency exam that are all required for graduation. Thus, I know that English can't be my top priority, but I hope that I can still complete a solid end product with the spare time I have. 
• 
  

Peer Review 12B

In this post, I focused on Payton's video essay on Kesha. In the review, I focus on form. I thought it was an interesting video essay that was clearly still a rough cut but well on its way to being a finished product. Payton's video essay can be found here, and it is currently untitled. Well, let's delve straight into the questions:

• I suggested that Payton might want to include more background music in the video essay. Today in class, we watched a video on a sexual assault awareness video prompting and encouraging college students to sign the pledge to prevent sexual assault. The video's emotional appeals were particularly effective, in my opinion, because the background music was moving. This is a touch that has a strong impact in video essays, and Payton's video essay only included music in the introductory segment.

• This is a suggestion that matches the expectations of a video essay. Although this is not touched upon in the student guide, our example video essays presented on D2L all include music as a strong component. For this reason, I consider it a really vital genre convention that cannot be ignored. 

• I really liked how the video essay focused on a relatable topic that targeted a wide audience. The focus is on Kesha, which is a famous celebrity that is well-known to nearly all viewers of the video essay. In addition, Peyton does a good job of including herself within the video format so that the author is incorporated into the material. 

Peer Review 12a

In this peer review, I focus on Sienna Willis' standard college essay titled "I'm Not a Barbie Girl but I live in a Barbie World." The essay focuses on barbie dolls and the new introduction by Mattel of three body types: 'tall,' 'petite,' and 'curvy. Her essay can be found here!

• In this review, I mentioned how there could be more content explaining whether she thinks Mattel has gone far enough, and what further steps could be taken. I was really impressed with the form of the essay, but I didn't walk away with a full understanding of what Mattel should be doing further to avoid hurting the body image and perception of young females who buy their products. 

• Although this doesn't directly address a student guide topic, it indirectly relates to using proper sources in your writing. In this particular case, Sienna did a great job including outside sources, but I don't think she used her own experience sufficiently. She didn't completely exploit the fact that she is a female who has personal experiences with Mattel Barbie doll products. Although, to be fair, her introduction definitely mentions her own personal connection to the topic.

• I think Sienna's paper really felt got me caught up in reading. I wasn't extremely critical while reading her essay, because she immediately caught my attention with an introduction that reminisces about her experiences as a seven year old girl. Because of the personalization of the essay at the beginning, it becomes a much easier and more enjoyable read. 

Open Post to Peer Reviewers

It's time to publish what I have, which isn't much quite yet. I've included a working hyperlink to my rough draft essay right here. I'll briefly go over what I expect next week and the post-production process to look like:

• I want anyone reading my essay to know that it's still a work-in-process. There are  a lot of revisions necessary, and I even plan a little bit more research before I really have a working rough draft done. With that in mind, I know that i'll have a busy week ahead.

• In the rough cut, I think the biggest weakness right now is clarity and length. I know what my topic is about: the decline in college preparedness among freshmen entering college today. However, the details of how I will prove this argument is still being worked out, and the essay itself is not long enough as is right now. 

• As for strengths in the rough cut, I felt that I did a good job of introducing the topic. My introduction paragraph was worked on extensively and I think I incorporated myself into the essay with losing the academic tone necessary for a standard college essay. I think it's important in this paper for the audience to know that I have a stake and a fairly unique perspective, so that this isn't simply a paper from the perspective of a professor or a student exclusively. 

Editorial Report 12B

In this report, I focus on editing the content of my opening statement for my college essay on the preparedness of freshmen college students today. My original opening statement is presented here, and the updated content is here.

• In the revised selection, I changed the content's focus away from exlusively myself. Originally, I discussed how my experience as a general chem TA and as a general chemistry student years ago helped me perceive the difference and change in student caliber over time. However, I realized that this introduction made it exclusively about my perception, whereas I really wanted a broader message about the way professors and teachers are viewing incoming students arriving at the university today. For that reason, I included quotations from outside sources as well. 

• In the revision, I also altered the form slightly by making it a bit more formal in tone. The original tone was more personal and less removed, which made it more approachable but also slightly different than a typcal college essay. After reading more genre examples and considering their conventions, I decided that following the expectations of the genre would require a more academic and a bit of a distant voice, so I altered the presentation to match that convention. 

Editorial Report 12a

In this post, I'm beginning to edit the original segments of the essay I am writing on the decline of academic preparedness among freshmen entering public colleges today. I am a bit behind in the creation of raw content, so I am focusing on clips from news stories that I plan to incorporate, and how the sources I chose to keep have changed from when I started. Here is a link to an original news piece that I considered, and here is a revised source that is slightly more on point.

• As can be seen by comparing the two pieces, the focus shifts from merely presenting an argument to incorporating a counterargument. The second clip incorporates an older source from 1997 making the same claim that the quality of students entering college is deteriorating. Since the caliber of America's workforce really hasn't been steadily declining over 20 years, it seems safe to say that this is a plausible counterargument showing that professors have always been making the claim that students aren't as good as they used to be. 

• Technically, the form wasn't significantly altered here, because the focus was on my sources. Thus, until I get a complete working segment of my actual essay, I cannot alter the form. However, I believe the two sources will be used in different forms in the essay, because the presentation of a counterargument will be done in an anticipatory tone that tries to diminish the evidence, whereas the original content will be presented as evidence backing my claim.